


Wisdom Is My Dump Stat

by placentalmammal



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Humor, Meteorstuck, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3169583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/placentalmammal/pseuds/placentalmammal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi DM's a game for the meteor crew. Contains descriptions of in-game violence, petty arguments, minor rules lawyering, and egregious said bookism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wisdom Is My Dump Stat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LunaOpheliac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaOpheliac/gifts).



> "Terezi DMs an awesome game of Dungeons & Dragons with the meteor crew! Without anybody just getting up and leaving this time. Lots of Rose/Kanaya interaction would be great, and I'd love to see an essentially equal amount of in- and out-of-campaign action. (that is, I want to see the players interacting, but I also want to get to see the characters they've created) Comedy/fluff, please! Angsty elements are okay, but I'd like it to be fundamentally uplifting."

Midnight in Corin’s Pass, and a chilly autumn rain was falling on the small town, soaking the thatched roofs of the humble peasants’ cottages. Although the weather was inhospitable, the hearth in the Green Cockerel, the town’s only tavern, was roaring, filling the large common room with heat and light. The tavern’s usual customers were farmers and the residents of the rough little cottages situated within the town’s perimeter, though the innkeeper occasionally played host to travelers heading south through the Kiesi mountain range. On that cold, damp night, four such strangers were among the crowd, each sitting alone in a darkened corner, well away from the cackling warmth of the fire.

rose: Are we honestly starting in a tavern?  
kanaya: Yes I Don’t Mean To Criticize But Isn’t That A Bit  
kanaya: Mundane  
terezi: TH3 CL4SS1CS 4R3 CL4SS1CS FOR 4 R34SON!  
dave: yeah because hack dms cant think of anything else  
terezi: >:[  
terezi: D1DN’T W3 4GR33 NO T4BL3 T4LK? S4V3 YOUR OOC R4MBL1NGS FOR 4FT3R TH3 S3SS1ON!  
karkat: YES, LET’S GET THIS DISASTER OVER WITH. I’M SURE WE ALL HAVE MORE PRODUCTIVE THINGS TO BE GETTING ON WITH, LIKE THROWING OURSELVES OUT THE AIRLOCK TO SAVE PARADOX SPACE THE HASSLE OF BRINGING OUR MISERABLE EXISTENCES TO AN END, AS WE HAVE ALL GONE COMPLETELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, AS EVIDENCED BY OUR PARTICIPATION IN YET ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS IMBECILIC WRIGGLER GAME.  
terezi: YOU’R3 JUST M4D TH4T YOU 4RN3N’T TH3 P4RTY L34D3R.  
karkat: AMONG OTHER THINGS, YES.  
dave: karkat we agreed no table talk  
terezi: Y3S K4RK4T, L1ST3N TO YOUR W1S3 L34D3R! >:]  
dave: actually wisdom was my dump stat  
rose: We’ve noticed.  
terezi: HUSH! >:O

It seemed that it would be an ordinary evening until the door was thrown open with enough force to rattle the mugs arrayed on the shelf behind the bar. An elven woman stood framed in the door, her long flaxen hair pasted to her high forehead by the torrents of rain pouring down from the uncaring sky. She was pale and lovely, with luminous green eyes the exact shade of sunlight through leaves, though her beautiful countenance was creased with a frown, her supple lower lip trembling.

“Please,” she cried plaintively, “is there anyone here who can help me? My family has been abducted by a horrific dragon cult!”

dave: i seduce the elven maiden  
karkat: NO HE DOESN’T! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!  
terezi: D4V3, YOU SHOULD AT L34ST W41T FOR M3 TO 4SK FOR YOUR 4CT1ONS. 1’M NOT DON3 S3TT1NG TH3 SC3N3!  
dave: oh my bad please continue working your narrative majjyks oh wise master of dungeons

A hush fell over the tavern as every eye turned towards the young elven woman. The citizens of Corin’s Pass, ordinary folk come in to relax over a pint of ale after a long day of working their barren, stony fields, shrank away from the stranger and her peculiar tale of woe. They had all heard rumors of the Dragon Cults living high in the Kiesi Mountains, though such rumors were spoken only in hushed whispers, never proclaimed so openly and in such a tone of desperation. Anyone who stood against the notorious Dragon Cults disappeared into the mountains, never seen nor heard from again, the apparent victims of the Cult’s bizarre, blood-thirsty rituals.

terezi: TH3 3LF M41D 1S 1N TH3 C3NT3R OF TH3 ROOM. YOU 4R3 34CH 1N 4 CORN3R. WH4T DO YOU DO?  
dave: seduce yon sylvari wench  
dave: bout to melt some panties  
dave: three mile island of ladies undergarments all up in here  
karkat: THIS IS IDIOTIC. I REFUSE TO PLAY IF THIS JUST TURNS INTO A WEIRD OUTLET FOR DAVE’S BIZARRE MAMMALIAN SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.  
rose: Agreed. I’d rather not bear witness to my dear brother’s sexual frustration, bizarre, mammalian, or otherwise.  
terezi: F1N3. D4V3, YOU M4Y ROLL D1PLOM4CY TO 4TT3MPT TO S3DUC3 TH3 NPC, BUT W3 4R3 NOT GO1NG TO D1SCUSS TH3 P4RT1CUL4RS OF YOUR S3XU4L 3NCOUNT3R, SHOULD YOU SUC33D!  
dave: ill be a perfect gentlemen scouts honor. have her home before 9 and everything  
dave: 3  
terezi: W1TH YOUR BONUS?  
dave: 4  
terezi: YOU 4PPRO4CH TH3 3LV3N WOM4N W1TH 4 W4GG1SH TW1NKL3 1N YOUR 3Y3 4ND 4 S4UCY SW1NG OF YOUR CH1LD-B34R1NG H1PS! 4L4S, YOU TR1P. SH3 1S UN1MPR3SS3D, THOUGH YOUR 4NT1CS H4V3 BROUGHT 4 SM1L3 TO H3R PLUSH L1PS. 3V3RYON3 3LS3?  
rose: I seduce the elven maid.  
terezi: 4RGH! ROLL FOR D1PLOM4CY! YOU H4V3 A P3N4LTY B3C4US3 SH3 1S 4LR34DY UPS3T 4BOUT D4V3’S CLUMSY 4TT3MPTS 4T ROM4NC3.  
kanaya: If It Is Not Too Late, I Would Also Like To Attempt To Court The Fair Maiden If She Is As Lovely As You Say  
karkat: YOU ALL DISGUST ME. I AM DISGUSTED. LOOK AT ME. DO YOU SEE THIS EXPRESSION ON MY FACE? THE CURL OF MY LIP? THE NARROWING OF MY EYES? THIS IS WHAT DISGUST LOOKS LIKE. MEMORIZE THIS EXPRESSION. YOU WILL ALL BE SEEING IT IN THE FUTURE, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU ATTEMPT TO IMPRESS A MEMBER OF YOUR PREFERRED GENDER WITH ONE OF THESE SORDID MATING DISPLAYS.  
terezi: ROLL D1PLOM4CY, BOTH OF YOU. K4RK4T, B3 QU13T!  
rose:18  
kanaya: 20  
karkat: YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.  
Dave: the dice dont lie unlike my saucy hips  
terezi: BL4R

Still reeling from the man’s bizarre gymnastic display, the elven maiden was unsure what to make of the next two to approach her. Her eyes met theirs and she began to tremble at the hooded strangers’ approach, swooning at their unfamiliar charms. Her knees went weak and she started to fall, only to find herself in their arms, staring up into two strange yet beautiful faces. “Please,” she whispered, pressing a slender, elegant hand to the stranger’s rugged cheek her eyelashes fluttering like captive butterflies, “I must know: what are your names!”

Terezi: 1NTRODUC3 YOUR CH4R4CT3RS!  
kanaya: I Am Isrillodil Va’Alen. My Character Is An Elf Druid. She Is Achingly Beautiful And Has Flowing Ebony Hair And Skin Like Marble. Her Eyes Flash Different Colors When She Is Upset. She Has A Special Destiny Related To Her Divine Parentage, Which She Does Not Know About, Because It Is A Secret.  
rose: Aelo, human sorcerer. Neutral Evil.  
kanaya: Oh! Isrillodil Is Neutral Good, Because—  
terezi: TH4NK YOU, K4N4Y4. K4RK4T?  
karkat: THIS IS IDIOTIC AND I WANT YOU TO ALL TO KNOW THAT I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE TEREZI MADE ME.  
karkat: AND MY CHARACTER’S NAME IS FASUR AND HE’S A PALADIN.  
dave: carl with a k  
dave: half-orc bard  
dave: chaotic neutral  
karkat: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS “KARL?”  
dave: no its carl with a k  
karkat: THAT’S IDIOTIC. YOU CAN’T BE CALLED “CARL WITH A K.” TEREZI, MAKE HIM STOP.  
dave: but thats what it says on my character sheet  
terezi: BOTH OF YOU, STOP 1T! K4K4T, YOU’R3 NO FUN. D4V3, YOU’R3 B31NG DUMB. BUT 1’LL 4LLOW 1T.  
karkat: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

The unlikely heroes gathered around the elven maiden, still trembling in Aelo and Isrillodill’s arms. “The dragon cult lives three days’ walk north of here, high in the Kiesi mountains,” she murmured. “Their lair is guarded by all manner of savage beasts, charmed to do the vile cult’s bidding.”

“Fear not, gentle maiden,” said Isrodil. “I am a druid. I shall soothe the savage beasts.”

“If there is evil, I am sworn to cut it down where it stands,” added Fasur, his hand on the hilt of his short sword, a steely glint in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m in. Gonna sing some songs, make sweet music. Slay a fucking dragon,” proffered Carl With A K.

Aelo smirked down at the maiden in his arms. “This endeavor should prove most amusing. I believe I shall offer my arcane services to the rest.”

Drawing their cloaks around them and gathering their gear, the unlikely allies left the warmth and security of the Green Cockerel together, striding confidently out into the pouring rain. Their destination was the lair of the Dragon Cult, high within the Kiesi Mountains. They left the village, traveling south through the storm on a muddy dirt road, rutted and pockmarked by generations of aching feet and wooden cartwheels. The storm did not abate, and their boots filled with water.

dave: objection your honor  
dave: carl with a k isnt wearing boots  
terezi: 1S TH1S R34LLY 1MPORT4NT 3NOUGH TO W4RR4NT INT3RRUPT1NG THE N4RR4T1V3? 1 W4S JUST G3TT1NG 1NTO MY ZON3.  
dave: it’s a half-orc thing  
dave: it says so on my character sheet

The mud was thick, deep, and viscous, the exact texture and color of roofing tar, except cold and slick. It sucked at the soles of their magically waterproofed leather boots, except for Carl With A K, whose feet were sky-clad, as was customary of his people. The mud did not suck at the soles of his boots as it did with the others, it squelched noisily between his toes, chilling him to the bone and souring his fine mood. He was wet and miserable, and he lost count of how many times he stepped on sharp sticks or stones concealed by the ankle-deep muck.

terezi: 4LSO YOU T4K3 2 D4M4G3 FROM TH3 SH4RP ST1CKS.  
dave: cmon tz i only have like 8 hp  
terezi: SH4RP ST1CKS 4R3 D4NG3ROUS 1T S4YS SO 1N TH3 DUNG3ON M4ST3RS GU1D3.  
dave: lemme see that book  
terezi: NO! L3TT1NG YOU LOOK 1N TH3 DM GU1D3 DUR1NG 4 S3SS1ON WOULD V1OL4T3 TH3 DUNG3ON M4ST3R’S COD3!  
kanaya: Forgive Me For Interrupting But I Believe That There Is No Such Thing As The Dungeon Master’s Code You Are Just Making Things Up To Antagonize Dave  
karkat: YES SPARE ME YOUR BLACKROM FLIRTING. IF I WANTED TO WATCH INEPT FOREPLAY I WOULD REREAD ERIDAN’S TROLLIAN MEMOS.  
dave: this isnt a quadrant thing jegus no this is a matter of principle  
kanaya: Let’s Get On With It I Want To Advance The Story Not Waste My Time Mired In Petty Arguments  
terezi: TH1S W4SN’T 4 QU4DR3NT TH1NG UNT1L K4N4Y4 ST4RT3D TRY1NG TO 4USP1T1C3!  
kanaya: I Did No Such Thing!

Slightly worse for the wear, the party continued south along the branching path, slowly ascending into the Kiesi Mountains. The forest pressed close around them, the branches like hands, tangling in their sodden cloaks and slowing their progress. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled.

dave: i fight the wolf

Suddenly, carl With A K sprinted off the path, in pursuit of the beast.

rose: So. Do we follow him or do we just assume that he got eaten?  
kanaya: Isrillodil Follows Karl With A K With The Intent Of Intervening In Their Senseless Fight And Saving The Lives Of Both The Wolf And The Bard  
rose: I accompany Isrillodil.  
terezi: K4RK4T?  
karkat: FASUR REMAINS EXACTLY WHERE HE IS.  
kanaya: Karkat Isn’t It Wiser To Remain Together  
rose: “Don’t split the party” _is_ the first rule of tabletop roleplaying.  
karkat: NO. FASUR REFUSES TO BE DRAWN INTO KARL’S IDIOCY AND REMAINS EXACTLY WHERE HE IS.  
dave: actually its carl with a k

Winding deeper into the forest, Carl With A K, Isrillodil, and Aelo rapidly lost their way among the trees. The howling seemed to come from all sides, echoing queerly in the storm. With no moon nor stars to navigate by, they quickly lost all sense of direction, losing sight of the path.

Back on the path, stubborn Fasur heard the sound of wolves, growing closer and closer.

terezi: K4RK4T, ROLL 1N1T14T1V3.  
karkat: WHAT?  
terezi: YOU’R3 4LON3 ON TH3 P4TH! TH3 WOLV3S S3NS3 34SY PR3Y 4ND SPR1NG 4 CL3V3R 4MBUSH!  
karkat: THIS IS IDIOTIC! I REFUSE.  
terezi: 1F YOU DON’T F1GHT, TH3 WOLV3S W1LL D3VOUR YOU!  
karkat: I HATE THIS GAME AND I HATE ALL OF YOU. PLATONICALLY. 12.  
terezi: TH3 WOLV3S W1LL B3G1N TH3 ROUND.  
terezi: D4MM1T, 1 C4N’T F1ND MY WOLF M1N14TUR3S!  
dave: use those bugbears  
terezi: NO, 1 M1GHT N33D THOS3! OK4Y, TH3 ROL3 OF TH3 WOLV3S W1LL B3 PL4Y3D BY TH3S3 GNOM3 T1NK3RS.  
karkat: I WANNA BE THE BIG GUY.  
terezi: TH4T 1S 4 H4LF-DR4GON SORC3R3R!  
karkat: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY HUMAN PALADINS?  
terezi: TH4T’S B3C4US3 1 W4S TOLD TH4T 4LCH3M1Z1NG M1N14TUR3S W4S, 4ND 1 QUOT3 “4 M4SS1V3 GRUB-MULCH1NG W4ST3 OF GR1ST,” 3ND QUOT3.  
karkat: WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAD STYGIAN VEMON SPAWN HIGHER ON YOUR PRIORITY LIST THAN HUMAN PALADIN?  
dave: or wolf, apparently  
terezi: NO 1 H4V3 WOLV3S 1 JUST C4N’T F1ND TH3M!  
kanaya: Here Karkat You Can Be The Human Barbarian He Is Very Tall And Muscular.  
kanaya: Is That An Acceptable Compromise For Everyone  
karkat: IT’LL DO.  
terezi: Y3S, TH4T’S F1N3.

Two wolves sprang from the forest, fangs bared. They circled Fasur, growling low in their throats. The Paladin drew his sickle as the wolves lunged at him, sinking their teeth into his legs before shrinking back into the shadows to circle him again. He slashed at the nearest wolf with his sickle, striking a glancing blow and earning a pained yelp from the creature. The wolves darted in again, but only one managed to get its teeth into Fasur.

Bellowing mightily, the wounded warrior rounded on his injured foe, sickle raised over his head. He struck a powerful blow against the wolf, which whimpered piteously and collapsed onto the wet ground, its blood turning the soil into slick mud. The second wolf howled in rage, a low, savage note that would have struck fear into the heart of a lesser man, but Fasur was a paladin and his resolve would not be shaken. He advanced on the wolf, and the creature threw itself at him, knocking him onto his back and landing heavily on top of him. He couldn’t free himself from the beast before it sank its teeth into his neck.

Crying out in rage and pain, Fasur threw the wolf and regained his feet, staggering backwards as the creature advanced on him, snarling. He deflected its attack with his sickles, then deftly spun and sank the bladed edge into the beast’s back. The wolf lunged, its enormous jaws snapping, and Fasur groaned as its bite connected. He swung his sickle ‘round again, scoring a hit against the creature. Calling out for help from his missing companions as the wolf threw itself at him again, Fasur managed to dodge the creature. He lashed out once more, and the beast fell, throat neatly severed.

“I did it,” he said breathlessly, attempting to staunch the flow of blood from his torn throat. “I defeated the wolves!”

terezi: W3LL-DON3, F4SUR! YOU H4V3 2 H1TPO1NTS 4ND YOU 4R3 4LON3 1N TH3 FOR3ST. WH4T DO YOU DO?  
karkat: I TRY TO FIND THE OTHERS AND I BERATE THEM FOR ABANDONING ME.  
dave: hey man you chose to stay behind  
rose: We’re hardly to blame for your stubbornness.  
kanaya: I Think That Isrillodil And The Others Would Have Heard His Cries For Help And Returned To Aid Him  
terezi: WHO H4S TH3 H1GH3ST W1SDOM OF YOU THR33?  
kanaya: That Would Be Me.  
terezi: ROLL 4 P3RC3PT1ON CH3CK TO S33 1F YOU H34RD H1M.  
dave: this is dumb carl with a k returns to aid his fallen comrade  
terezi: NO D4V3, W3’R3 ROL3PL4Y1NG! YOU C4N’T JUST DO TH1NGS B3C4US3 YOU W4NT TO THE3Y H4V3 TO M4K3 S3NS3 FOR YOUR CH4R4CT3R.  
dave: carl with a k has adhd and is bored chasing the wolf and returns to the path where he finds his fasur crying like a bitch  
rose: Dave, stop metagaming. Kanaya is making her perception check.  
kanaya: 14  
terezi: 1SR1LLOD1L H34RS 4 G1RL1SH SHR31K, L1K3 4 BURLY P4L4D1N TRY1NG 4ND F41L1NG TO F3ND OFF 4 P41R OF B4RKB34STS. WH4T DO YOU DO?

Some distance away, Isrillodil’s keen elven hearing detecting shouts and growls, the sound of a pitched battle against wolves. “Fasur!” she cried. “We must help him!” Turning on the others, she ran through the forest, following the sounds of the fighting. Carl With A K and Aelo followed her, but lacking her elven grace, they stumbled over the gnarled roots and stones protruding from the muddy forest floor.

Isrillodil burst from the tree line just as Fasur thrust his sword into the beast’s neck, killing it instantly. So stricken was she by the death of the magnificent creature that she did not immediately notice the distress of valiant Fasur, slumped in the mud beside his vanquished foe, grievously wounded. She ran to him and fell to her knees beside him, pulling him into her arms to inspect his injuries.

“Oh Fasur,” she breathed, tears running down her cheeks. “How could this have happened? We only left you for a few minutes!” She raised a hand, glowing with druidic magic, to his throat. The flesh knit together, repairing the worst of the damage and staunching the tide of blood. Fasur clenched her hand in gratitude and she helped him to his feet. Though he was still injured, he would live to fight another day.

“Yo,” espoused Carl With a K, emerging from the forest with Aelo in tow. “What’s crack-a-lacking?”

“I was beset by wolves,” grumbled Fasur. “And barely escaped with my life! You shouldn’t have left me here alone!”

“Dude, if I knew that wolf v. man would be happening on this here shitty path, I would never have ventured into yon forest. Forsooth,” quipped the bard.

“We approach the lair of the nefarious Dragon Cult,” mentioned Aelo. “We must press on!”

“Indeed,” opined Isrillodil, “It would be prudent to continue our journey.”

They stopped to loot the bodies of the slain wolves, garnering a few gold coins and two fine pelts for their troubles.

rose: How on earth did the wolves have gold?  
kanaya: Perhaps They Had Pockets On Their Collars?  
terezi: SHHH!

The entrance to the lair of the Dragon Cult was guarded by two figures of indeterminable race and gender, dressed in hooded scarlet robes. At the heroes’ approach, the shorter of the two drew a bow, the other raised hands dancing with magical fire. “Turn back now!” they shouted.

terezi: 1N1T14T1V3.  
dave: 9  
karkat: 13  
rose: Damn it! Are we playing the dice as they land or rerolling if they fall off the table?  
terezi: 1 USU4LLY PL4Y 4S 1T L4NDS.  
karkat: I VOTE REROLL.  
dave: oh my gog i dont give even half a shit do whatever  
kanaya: I Will Side With Our DM In This Matter  
dave: rose if you wanted to crawl around under the table you could have just asked no need to throw the dice so viciously  
rose: Shut up, David! 10.  
dave: _david?_  
kanaya: 14  
terezi: 4TT4CK ORD3R 1S K4N4Y4, CULT1STS, K4RKL3S, ROS3, D4V3.

Isrillodil was the quickest to respond the cultists’ challenge. Raising her hands over her heads, she created a brilliant display of dazzling light that seemed to hone in on the magic-using cultist. The hooded figure took a half-step backwards, then threw a sphere of fire which flew wide, missing the party entirely. The spell fizzled out in the woods beyond the path, flaring brightly and fading to nothingness in the rain.

The archer drew their bow and loosed an arrow, striking Aelo square in the thigh. He fell to his knees, crying out in pain, and Isrillodil dashed to his side, throwing her arm protectively around the sorcerer. Fasur charged the archer, his sword glowing with holy fire. His blow cut deep, and Aelo was temporarily avenged. By then, he had recovered enough from the shock of the arrow to cast a spell. Shouting in the language of the arcane, colorful lightning danced from his fingertips, striking the enemy spell caster square in the torso and sending them into a magical sleep.

Not to be outdone, Carl With A K drew his short bow. Training an arrow on the chest of the archer, he fired. His arrow struck true, catching them in the chest. Isrillodil tended to Aelo’s injuries as the enemy archer fired on Fasur. Aelo threw another sphere of magic. Acid splashed across the archer’s face and torso, and the cultist, still reeling from Fasur’s blessed strike, died with a pained gurgle. Carl With A K fired a second shot at the sleeping spell caster, who woke from their magical nap with a cry of alarm. They got to their feet as Isrillodil summoned a wolf from the forest to aid the party in battle. Fasur struck at the cultist, dealing a painful blow.

Aelo readied another acid spell, though his aim was off and the spell sizzled harmlessly off the doorway. Thus it was Carl With A K who ended the life of the ignoble cultist, landing an arrow in their heart. Cultists vanquished, the party regrouped and searched their fallen foes’ possessions, taking small trophies for themselves.

“I have an idea,” announced Carl With A K. “We should steal the cultists’ robe and infiltrate the cult.”

karkat: WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?  
dave: were pretty much all injured, i dont wanna risk another fight  
kanaya: That May Be Wise I Have Already Used My Daily Allotment Of 1st Level Spells  
rose: Really, Karkat is the only one with injuries. Don’t Paladins have a healing spell?  
karkat: I HAVE CURE LIGHT WOUNDS PREPARED BUT I DON’T WANT TO WASTE IT.  
dave: on saving your own life  
karkat: MY LIFE ISN’T IN ANY DANGER!  
kanaya: Karkat You Have 3 HP Left You Are Not In Good Condition  
rose: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Dave. It would be prudent to disguise ourselves and scout out the lair. We should try to avoid engaging any more of the cultists, but a little reconnaissance wouldn’t be a horrible idea.  
kanaya: If We Disguise Ourselves Who Should Go In We Only Have Two Robes  
dave: they had to have heard the fighting  
dave: maybe two of us go in and we bring the others in as our prisoners  
dave: get close to the grand high poobah and lay the whammy on him  
kanaya: Or Her  
rose: Or them. I have to say, I like the sound of this plan, but I’m not convinced we should all go in.  
karkat: DAVE, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE SCIENTIFIC NATURE OF THE WHAMMY. I AM LOOKING AT THE PLAYERS’ HANDBOOK, NOWHERE IN THE RULES DO I SEE A SPELL OR ABILITY CALLED THE WHAMMY.  
dave: figure of speech bro  
dave: like your mom  
kanaya: I Agree With Rose I Think We Should Send In Two Of Us  
rose: I vote Dave and Karkat.  
kanaya: Seconded.  
dave: aw yes im gonna be a half orc bard spy best day of my life  
karkat: WHY DO I HAVE TO GO IN?  
rose: We did vote, Karkat.  
karkat: WELL, I VOTE YOU AND DAVE BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENORMOUS HUMAN BONERS FOR DEATH.  
kanaya: That Is A Revolting Image  
dave: yeah karkat don’t be gross  
dave: now you have to come in to make it up to the rest of us  
rose: Like putting a dollar in the swear jar.  
karkat: FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR JAR, FUCK YOUR PLAN. FINE. I’LL GO, BUT I WON’T ENJOY IT.  
dave: yes lets do this  
terezi: K4RK4T 4ND D4V3, M4K3 D1SGU1S3 CH3CKS.

Fasur and Carl With a K donned the plundered robes. The scarlet wool hid the bloodstains, and to the eyes of the party, they were indistinguishable from the cultists from whom they had stolen the robes.

“Do be careful,” Isrillodil hummed, her eyes shining.

“20 minutes in and out, badabing badaboom,” ejaculated Carl With A K. “No biggie.”

Fasur ground his teeth in irritation. “We won’t be long,” he promised.

They entered the cave, ducking to avoid knocking their heads on the low, sloping ceiling, and found themselves in a narrow, winding passage. Fasur took the lead, delving deeper into the cavern, each footstep echoing off the dripping walls. Blazing torches were set along the walls in even intervals, providing dim, flickering light by which to see. Unbeknownst to them, Aelo and Isrillodil followed quietly, some dozen steps behind, their curiosity having overwhelmed them.

After what felt like hours, the passageway let out into an enormous cavern, piled high with gold. Sitting atop the horde was an enormous red dragon, its glossy red scales gleaming in the torchlight. “Who goes there!” the ancient dragon bellowed, its great and terrible voice echoing horribly.

Fasur and Carl With A K stood for a moment, dumbfounded, before the bard found his voice. “It is us, Master,” he rasped in imitation of the cultists, “Your dedicates who guard the entrance to your lair.”

The dragon spread its enormous wings, carelessly knocking treasures from its heap. “I have no dedicates,” it flared. “Two fools stood outside my cave this day, attempting to warn travelers away.”

karkat: WAIT, WHAT?  
rose: Were those two good guys?  
karkat: FUCK! DOES THAT COUNT AS AN EVIL DEED? DOES THIS MEAN I’VE FALLEN?  
terezi: H3H3H3H3 W3 C4N D1SCUSS TH3 R4M1F1C4T1ONS OF YOUR V1L3 D33D 4FT3R OUR S3SS1ON CONCLUD3S!  
terezi: >;]  
karkat: THIS IS BULLSHIT! YOU TRICKED US!  
rose: It is, on the level, considered unwise to antagonize the DM, Karkat.  
dave: i remove my hood, revealing myself to the dragon and attempt to bargain for my life

“Hey,” Carl With A K spouted, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Don’t kill me! I wasn’t trying to trespass here, it was all his fault.” He pointed at his companion, who whirled, turning on him.

“Traitor!” Fasur mewled. “This is an evil dragon, it must be slain! Avenge the family of the elven maiden!”

“I’m chaotic neutral this shit ain’t my bag,” Carl With A K explained. “There’s 4 of us total. Let me go, eat the other 3, and we can all just pretend this never happened.”

“Carl With A K, how could you!” Isrillodil screamed, revealing herself and Aelo, who had been standing in the mouth of the passageway. “We were allies against this dragon, here to kill it and put an end to its wicked schemes!”

“Here to slay me,” the dragon chuckled. “Very well, your lives are forfeit.”

terezi: ROLL 1N1T14T1V3?  
dave: tz tell it to me straight: do we stand a chance against yonder dragon?  
terezi: YOU’LL N3V3R KNOW UNL3SS YOU TRY!  
dave: fine. 16  
rose: 11  
kanaya: 13  
karkat: 5 AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, TEREZI. PLATONICALLY. I JUST WANT YOU TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.  
terezi: TH3 DR4GON W1LL B3 4TT4CK1NG F1RST! FOLLOW3D BY D4V3, K4N4Y4, ROS3, 4ND K4RK4T.

The dragon lowered its head so its enormous maw was level with the adventuring party. It opened its mouth and exhaled a jut of crimson flame, effortlessly incinerating the stalwart heroes, leaving only charred skeletons. With a throaty chuckle, the dragon swept their ashes from its horde, leaving the gleaming gold undisturbed, no sign that they had ever been there.

dave: so thats it  
dave: dragon falls, everybody dies  
karkat: THIS IS UNFATHOMABLE BULLSHIT.  
terezi: YOU W3R3 W4RN3D! 1 3XPL1C1TLY ST4T3D TH4T NO ON3 WHO STOOD 4G41NST TH3 DR4GON CULT L1V3D TO T3LL TH3 T4L3.  
rose: You also led us to believe that there was a Dragon Cult, and not, in fact, two people in red robes trying to warn people away from the dragon’s lair.  
terezi: 1T 1S TH3 DUNG3ON M4ST3R’S P3RROG4T1V3 TO M1SL34D H3R PL4Y3RS.  
kanaya: Terezi There Is A Difference Between Misleading And Lying  
terezi: 1T 1S TH3 DUNG3ON M4ST3R’S P3RROG4T1V3 TO L13 TO H3R PL4Y3RS.  
rose: Just tell me this: was your plan to sacrifice us to the dragon the whole time, or was that just a happy coincidence?  
terezi: TH3 FORM3R!  
dave: i think this is the first time I’ve ever played into the dms hands instead of driving things completely off the rails  
terezi: F1RST T1M3 YOU’V3 3V3R PL4Y3D W1TH M3!  
terezi: >:]  
terezi: > :]  
terezi: >:]  
dave: jegus chorst are you always this terrifying  
terezi: 4LW4YS 4LW4YS!  
rose: I think this is the longest I’ve ever seen Karkat spend searching for the words to express his rage.  
kanaya: I’ve Seen Longer  
dave: i have to say i came very close to unironically enjoying myself  
rose: Heavens to Betsy! Shall I lead you away to a fainting couch? Fetch your smelling salts?  
kanaya: Perhaps Next Time We Play Someone Else Can Serve As Dungeon Master And It Won’t End With The Untimely Deaths Of Our Characters  
rose: Seconded.  
terezi: YOU’R3 NO FUN!  
terezi: >:]


End file.
